Hey kids and/or adults that are grasping onto the last strands of childhood! Right now, you're probably thinking that you need a Halloween costume, so that you too can show your failed childhood dreams to the world! For one night, you too can be a firefighter, even though you're an investment banker! You too can be a policeman, even though you have never shown any hint of testicular fortitude throughout your life! Or for a certain segment of the female population, you too can dress up like Sexy____, even though you really shouldn't be wearing anything even close to that genre of costume! Put that away! Really! You should invest in, I'm just saying here, sweatshirts and pants!
Luckily, your friend Gordie is here to give you some cheap Halloween costume ideas based on well-known personalities from the world of televised sports that enhance our viewing experience or haunt our dreams at night. Just to make it easy on you, Reader, all of these require a slightly cheap suit, the kind that can easily be found at most any Goodwill or Salvation Army store. Since I'm watching the World Series right now, let's start with....
No matter what is going on at the party, speak in a slightly bored, almost monotonal, almost catatonic state. The most gorgeous woman in the world can walk in, and your reaction must be that of someone stuck at a cubicle all day long.
There is only one exception to this: when you can reference a potential product or sponsor. If your buddy asks you if you want a beer, raise your voice an octave and loudly ask "Is it a Budweiser, the King Of Beers? Or a Bud Light, where the Difference is Drinkability? Or another Anheuser-Busch product?" This is the only time you ever get excited.
Say random inane things about the general scene at the party, and make comments on the incredibly obvious. Screw up basic people's names, by calling them their sibling's name, or a classmate's name, or the person who had their job before them. There is never a time when you don't have something to say. Never.
Do the exact same thing as with Tim McCarver, only repeat the same point over and over again. Force that crappy observation into the ground. If a guy drops a plate of food, just keep referencing it. Ask to see replay of said incident. When people forget about it, because it was such a minor non-event, bring it back up.
At the same time, make sure that whatever angle you take is incorrect. When people try to correct you, hold your ground on your incorrect position. And make sure to mention Barry Bonds, whenever possible. And statistics are for losers who live in basements, and don't you forget it.
Make up nicknames for people, hit on all available women, be the life of the party. If you can, get a leather jacket. Reference songs of the 1970's and 1980's in those nicknames. Also, make some jokes about Buffalo, NY. NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS.
You can dress up as anything, just make sure it's over the top. And constantly harass one person at the party. Just get up in their face, whenever they can turn around. Make sure they see you as much as possible. When they finally get tired of you and angrily snap, move on to the next person.
Just so we can get some gender equality in here, here's a costume option for the ladies that has the same outfit as all the ones for guys. Also, it's a fun alternative for women who don't want to dress sexy.